Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Update - Egg Collection & Emrbyos

Sorry I haven't written in SO long.  We were over in Spain for collection and time just gets away from you when you are so consumed with all things IVF.

So I had 2 scans here before I went to Spain.  They showed growth was slightly slower than last time but they were happy with everything as it was going. 

We got to Spain on the Friday and we went straight to the clinic for a scan and bloodtest, same again on the Monday, Tuesday and Tuesday we found out collection would be Thursday.  As I was awake for my last collection, I knew it would be a possibility again but asked for extra sedation.  General Anestnetic costs €400 which we just couldnt afford.  Anyway the extra sedation this time worked an absolute treat and I conked out!  Woke up to hear they had collected 7 eggs! So we were happy with that.

We had a check up the next day and the Dr said they would like me to have another collection as 6 had fertilised, and they like to send at least 6 embryo biopsies off for PGS testing, but we just can't afford it.  We are beyond broke now and we have told them that this is our last go.

So after that, its sitting my the phone, waiting for updates from the clinic which is the worst part.  On day 2 we heard that 4 embryos were looking good, right cell number, no fragmentation.  Day 3 we had 3 embryos that looked good, right cell number and no fragmentation.  This made me so upset.  In Sept at our last collection on Day 3 we had 4 embryos and Day 5 we had 1 blastocyst, so I was so upset we were already down an embryo after taking the human growth hormone and the other tablets.  I was convinced they hadn't done any good, that we would be left with 0 by Day 5, praying for 1 blastocyst.

So finally on day 5 we found out that 2 embryos made it to blastocyst and day 6 another made it to blastocyst.  So we had 3 from this cycle, 4 in total. We couldnt believe it.  This cycle had been the most emotional one for the both of us.  I think its because we knew it was our final collection, we knew we had a lot riding on it, extra meds, extra worries, its just been so hard.  I think Ive been so strong the last year about it all but last week in work, those people who knew I was doing IVF, whenever they asked how it was going, I just broke down in tears.  I just was so worried we would get nothing from this cycle.

So now is another wait!  We found out today the biopsies have finally been sent off for testing, so we have to wait until the end of the month to see how many passed (praying for 2! ).  We will also get our treatment plan for transfer which will tell us what date its gonna be aswell, although I dont know if we will book anything until we know for certain something has pased

I hope if any of you are doing IVF, that it's all going well for you.  And if any of you are thinking about it and have any questions, ask away.  Im not an expert or anything in it, but I might be able to help out :)

Monday, November 7, 2016

The Countdown Is On!

So we are heading off to Spain in a week and a half!  I cant believe its finally here.  Today was the last day I took the pill so my period should come from tomorrow onwards.  I have my first scan Friday to see how things are looking and I'll find out then if I start taking pergoveris then too.

Myself and hubby went for a drive yesterday and he said " I dont mean to sound negative, but do you feel a small bit of relief knowing that this is our last try.  Obviously we want it to work but do you feel a little relief from it?)  And without knowing tears just fell from my face.  I told him thats exactly how I feel.  I want a baby so so so much and knowing this is our final chance is so sad and so heart breaking, but also, I feel relieved (just a tiny bit).  It's just knowing that IVF wont consume our brain on a daily basis.  We wont be focusing on money and trying to find money for last minute blood tests I need or scans I need.  We wont be stuck, not being able to do anything in the evenings due to having to do injections, which must be kept cold.  I feel like for the last 2 years, life has been on hold. I havent been able to think of anything else besides IVF and wanting to have a baby with my husband.  Ive seen everyone else around be get pregnant, have a baby and get pregnant again, all the while we are still trying.  But the second I think of the relief we will feel, I feel the absolute heart ache of it not working out for us and wondering how on earth we will ever get over it.

Besides all that, I'm trying to remain positive for the next few weeks, and please god that helps.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Time is Flying!

Where is the time going?  It only dawned on me last night that this weekend is a long weekend and then it's November.  November!!  November is when I stop the pill, get the base line scan done, start pergoveris, fly to spain, get all my different scans and bloods done and have egg collection.

Mentally I don't feel prepared at all.  I cant believe its only a few weeks away.  For the last 2 egg collections I have had months and months of waiting and counting the weeks down until it finally came.  I only had egg collection last month and Im going again next month.  I don't know if its good or bad that Im not mentally prepared.

I just hope its a better round than the last one

Thursday, October 13, 2016

And The Injections Start...

So on Monday, the Saizen (human growth hormone) started.  We had looked over the manual the week before to make sure we could use it so on Monday, with tears in my eyes, it was time to start again.  I felt a bit upset that it was already starting again, another injection, a new injection, would it hurt, would it be complicated, would I have side effects?

So we got everything ready, put the injector over my thigh.  A green light came on so I knew it was time to press the button so the injection happened.  And after all the worrying and stressing, it was fine.  It didnt hurt or anything.  The relief.  So I took the injector away from my skin, but the cap back on and pressed the button to release the needle so I could throw it away.  But of course, me being me, I didnt press the release button properly and the needle got stuck in the machine.... but nothing that some piers didnt fix! 

My hubby then surprised me with a gorgeous card and a bracelet so say good luck and here we go again, which was so sweet.  Please god this will work for us

Monday, October 10, 2016

Kindness of Strangers

When you are going through IVF, you can't help but feel alone.  Not many people go through IVF so they don't understand, and even the odd person you know that has actually gone through IVF sometimes don't get it, as each process is different.  So you don't tell people, you keep it to yourself. It can feel very alone.

And then strangers come along and can be the kindest people ever that you never have met.  My mothers friend went to Lourdes and lit a candle for us and brought us back a candle too, and a prayer.  This woman never met me but was so thoughtful for her to do this, so I bawled.

Our chemist the first time was so lovely, and so helpful, and really helped us out with us having a foreign prescription and said if I needed any help or instructions with the meds to pop in and they can help, and I was on the verge of tears.  It was so nice.

And now today, I tweeted our airline to see if they are able to put certain meds into a fridge on board.  A girl I don't know tweeted me saying that she had a special bag I could use for the meds, if I wanted to use, which was so thoughtful.  It's all these big events through IVF that I think about and worry about and wonder what I will do and if things will work out, and then these amazing people come along and offer to help which is too sweet.  This twitter girl doesn't know all of this is for IVF, she is just being really nice, which I really appreciate.


And so it begins...

So tonight is the start of the Saizen injections which I keep taking until egg collection in November, so around the 25th November.  I just can't believe its here already.  Im excited but emotional.  Excited of course that this could be our answer and my follicles will grow better than ever and eggs will be better quality and we will have more embryos.

I'm emotional at starting the injections for another round of egg collection, and 7 weeks of injections every night.  Emotional at knowing this is our last collection ever.  Emotional at having to inject myself, every evening.  Emotional at life being different now in the evenings and having to be home by a certain time to get it done.  Emotional that its just all starting again.

Im sure after the 1st injection I will be relieved at how easy it is and all that, as its all pre mixed and its a special contraption for the injecting which is good.  Still though... I can't shake how emotional it all is

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

More waiting

So now comes the worst side of IVF.  Waiting.  Always something to wait for. 

I have 7 weeks to wait before I go to Spain for my second collection.  I need to try and keep myself busy for these 7 weeks so I dont go crazy, but the hard part about that is the injections start in 2 weeks up until egg collection.  These injections start in the evening and must be stored in the fridge so it means meeting friends after work, or going to the cinema etc cant happen as I need to get home to do the injections.  I also need to figure out a good time in the evening to do them, because when we go to Spain, they are an hour ahead so I need to make sure its not too late.  The things you need to think about!

Is there anyone reading that will be starting IVF soon?

Monday, September 26, 2016

Little Update

I haven't been on in the last few weeks, just a lot of stuff going on, your know yourself.

Well we got the email to say none of our other emrbyos made it to blastocyst by day 7 so we have 1 grade AA frozen for the moment.  Im still taking 5mg folic acid and Ive started Inositol (vitamin B) one in the morning, one at night, 1 coq10 at lunchtime and I started the pill again last week.  I take the pill up to the 7th November and hopefully my period will start a few days later.  I also have to start Saizen, which is a human growth hormone from the 10th Oct up until egg collection.  The Saizen, and Inositol and Coq10 are supposed to help the smaller follicles grow and the eggs to be a better quality than what I have had before so please god we have a couple more embryos that reach blastocyst.

Fertility forums are great, fantastic support and great to have other people going through something similar to you, but it can be hard when some girls have 17 follicles growing (I had 6) and one girl had 5 that reached blastocyst and are frozen (I had 1).  I just have to believe that November will be my time, we will have at least 1 other blastocyst to join its brother or sister, and please god we have something that passes the pgs testing for transfer, and please god it sticks too.

My brain is exhausted from it all

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Day 6 Embryo Update

So we got our email regarding our embryos on day 6 and unfortunately it doesnt look good.  They are struggling to make it to blastocyst stage so the embryologist said they will give them one more day and see what happens, but they dont think it is likely

Its so hard.  As much as you want to be positive about the 1 you have, you start thinkin what if that 1 doesnt pass the test.  What if we only get 1 on November and that does pass, we only have 1 transfer, and if that doesnt stick, thats it.  We cant afford any more IVF treatment.  We wont be able to have a child.

How are you supposed to wrap your head around that

Back from my first EC

So I'm back from Spain after my first egg collection.  I have to say IVF Spain are amazing.  They are just so professional and after a bad cycle here at home, we have 100% faith in IVF Spain.

We arrived in Spain on the Thursday, and on the Friday, Monday and Tuesday I had an appointment with them every morning.  First was for a bloodtest and then we came back an hour later for the scan, as they would have the blood results back by then.  Thursday was EC and unfortunately I was awake during it.  I thought I would have been asleep, I was sedated but I was awake.  I think the fact I was awake made me think the experience was a lot worse than what it was and I was upset afterwards, but that was my own fault asking for sedation, as it could be different in Spain.  Where as now 100% going for general anesthetic in November.

We got 6 eggs.  The following day we went back for another consultation.  We met the lady who collected my eggs, she gave me an internal scan to make sure I was ok and they said 5 fertilised.  She also told me the changes they would be making for the next cycle for me. I was thrilled that after 24 hours they knew the changes they would make for more eggs and better quality eggs

Day 2 we got an email to say that all 5 were top quality, dividing as they should with no fragmentation
Day 3 the email said that the 5 were still dividing, 4 were of a better quality with no fragmentation.
They said at day 4 they dont go near them as its a critical day.
Day 5 they emailed to say 1 had reached blastocyst stage and it was biopsied and the rest they will keep an eye on until day 7 so Im hoping and praying for at least another 1 embryo

Compared to our last cycle at home, at day 5 transfer our embryo hadnt even made it to blastocyst stage so the fact we have 1 already that got there is good.

Next is another round of EC in November and anything that makes it to blastocyst will be biopsied.  Hopefully some will pass the test and we are looking at a transfer in the new year.

Monday, August 22, 2016


With my first egg collection coming up, I can't help but start to dream about it all...

I dream....
  • Our first colletion will go well, we will get 8 eggs collected, 7 fertilise, and 5 make it to day 5
  • Our second collection will go better as the doctors will have learned from the first one and we will get 12 eggs, 9 fertilise and 6 make it to day 5
  • All are pgs tested and we have 6 healthy embryos
  • Two will get transfered in January and we will start the new year with a pregnancy 

Say a prayer   

Friend being supportive..?

I haven't written in a while as nothing has been happening to be honest.  I go to Spain for my first egg collection next week and Im just living for it.  I'm think of it as more of a holiday and forgetting about what I will actually be getting done... I dont need to worry about that just yet :)

Last week was a tough week.  A friend of mine, who knows we will be doing another round of IVF texted me to say she has wanted to tell me something for weeks... that she is 7 weeks pregnant.  Of course I was delighted for her, and we had all the chats about her pregnancy, how she found out, and when she is due, and how her little daughter will be a big sister next year :)  Then, she said to me, thanks for being so nice about it........... I was like - huh?? Its great news... no need to thank me, and she was like no, thanks for being nice and excited.... and Im like... so how else am I supposed to react?  I know she probably didnt mean it but it was like a kick in the stomach, that for some reason she had thought I would have been upset or angry for her... I don't know.  I told a couple of friends about this, cos it really got to me and their reactions were "why did she tell you at 7 weeks... why couldn't she wait until 12.  Was she rubbing your face in it?"  I hadn't seen it like that at all.  I had seen it as excitedness... which I will still believe it was. 

As anyone knows who is trying to get pregnant, hearing a pregnancy announcement is like a kick in the stomach, even though you are delighted for them, the ache you feel in your stomach hurts.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Slowly moving forward

So we are 5 weeks away before we head to Spain for our first Egg Collection.  I had to get a scan here at a local clinic just to show spain what my lining was, and how many follicles I had.  I think thats just to show them on a standard cycle how things  look before I start any drugs.  I have to wait for 1 more period and then injections will start the end of August hopefully. 

It's such a long road sometimes.  There are days where the excitement is there and you just are so positive and so excited and you are wishing your life away until you get your collection, then transfer, and then that BFP you have always dreamed of.  Then there are days, and today is one of those days, where you just feel down.  Just exhausted from it.  Wondering if its actually ever gonna come around.  And when it does, will it work.

It can be so hard sometimes.

How do you all get through the tough times?

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

This Too Shall Pass

So after hearing my colleagues pregnancy announcement, and of course dont get me wrong, I was absolutely thrilled for her, but it hurt.  The following day another girl I work with, who doesnt know about our IVF journey, asked me in a very patronising way, "ah, are you ok"? and I was like, yeah Im great, how are you....... (WTF) and she then starting saying how pregnancies in our department happen in 2s and I was like, well I better warn the girls....... Then I heard from another colleague that she was asking if I was ok, that I was very quiet when the announcement was said, which of course I wasnt.

THEN this girl brought up yesterday how they were all discussing baby names, and someone brought up my Dads name (which they know I want to call our baby if we have a boy) and I was just like COME ON!!!! And again today she brought up how it happens in 2s and who is next, looking at me, so I changed the subject.  Some people are just so inconsiderate.

I felt crappy the last 2 days.  Delighted for my friend but it still hurts.  Her pregnancy wasnt planned at all, they were trying NOT to get pregnant and had a slip up, which when doing IVF you forget that some people dont want to get pregnant and its a surprise for them.  My husband brought me out for dinner last night and I had a really fun morning with my sister today too, so that has given me a more positive outlook again, thank god, as I needed it!

Sometimes you just need to vent, and its ok to vent.  Its ok to feel that pang when you hear someone is pregnant.  Its ok to be upset.  Its ok to be sad that its not you.  But you do get over it. And you will become more positive and fingers crossed my turn will be soon


Monday, July 11, 2016

Kick in the stomach

Hearing other peoples pregnancy announcements are alwas a wonderful thing, but you cant help but feel that pang in your stomach too.  I recently found out a co-worker was pregnant.  Wasnt planned, just happened and I felt like I was kicked in the stomach.  Of course I'm absolutely delighted for her, but the "why cant it be me" rang through my head.  My manager knows I'm going IVF and I could see her looking at me out of the corner of my eye, and that just made me feel worse.  It's like she pitied me.  And I dont want to be pitied.

Its just so hard.  Then we found out her due date, and I wont have even had my transfer by the time her baby is born.  It's just such a tough tough process sometimes

Friday, July 1, 2016

Step 1 - At Last!

Finally starting our Ivf journey.  Its still such a long road ahead of us, with our first egg collection in September, and our second one in November/Dec with our transfer in January/February 2017 but I cant think of it like that.  I can only focus on the now.  All of that will eventually come, as will our little baby :)

So I have started the pill about 2 weeks ago now. and so far so good.  I have never been on the pill before, so I honestly thought my hormones would be all over the place and I warned Hubby many times that if I wasnt myself, it wasn't my fault! But Ive been feeling grand thank god!

Also, as our clinic is in Spain and we dont live in Spain, I have had to arrange with another clinic to get ultrasounds done there when required and bloodtests.  It's the to-ing and frow-ing of clinics like that that can get frustrated as they can be slow, as its 4 weeks away, so they dont see the urgency, and they can just be very slow but all of that has finally been arranged. YAY!!

And we have booked our first set of flights to Spain for September too.  Having it abroad is actually a nice change.  It's so lovely to have a holiday to look forward to, which takes the focus and stress off the actual process, which is new to us.  We have been to Alicante in Spain a number of times on holiday, so it feels like our second home.  We are already planning what we will be doing while we are there, so I cant wait.

Then me being me, I figure out if I get the transfer in February, I could actually have a baby by October 2017!  Its so hard not to jump ahead like that :)

Friday, June 17, 2016

Nearly there!

Im hopefully starting treatment next week!!  Its a long protocol though so our first egg collection wont be until September!! But at least we are about to start!

So once we got the good news that the MRI was good and nothing needed to be removed, we were able to look at the next step, which was getting our Spanish prescription rewritten so we can get it on the Drugs Payment Scheme.  Its a scheme where you will only may at the max 144 in any month for your medication.  This would cost over 2k in Spain so it was somthing we  had to look into.

I called a chemist someone on a forum had suggest to see if they could help us or advise us what we needed to do and she was so lovely.  We emailed her over the prescription and she emailed back exactly what the GP needed to write on the prescription and explaining it all.  The relief! We met a GP yesterday as my own one is sick and she was more than happy to rewrite it!  Thank god!! I was waiting for the GP to say it was something she wouldnt /couldnt do but she was so lovely.

Fingers crossed this is the start of a successful treatment.  When my period starts next week, I take the pill for a month, and then the priming phase starts!  3 days after my period starts I have to have an ultrasound and some bloodtests and then for 3 days I take Letrozol.  From reading online - this is used to stimulate ovulation.  Then for 10 days in the middle of August I take the pill again. And then my period should come.

Then after this Im on the stimulation phase.  So that means an ultrasound and bloods one day, and the next day I take pergoveris non stop until I suppose Im in Spain before Egg Collection.  I have another ulstrasound and blood test 5 days after the 1st one and then we go to Spain.  We will be in Spain for about 10 days, having ultrasounds and bloods every 2nd day probably and after about 7 days I should be ready for collection.  Then we have 2 months off and hopefully start stimulation again in November for eggs to be collected Nov/early Dec and then we wait for the embryos to be tested.  Hopefully we will have a good number that pass and we can then plan transfer!


Friday, June 10, 2016

MRI Results

So we got the results from my MRI and thank god, they are happy to leave the fibroid where it is!!  I had visions of having to get it removed, and have to go on a waiting list for the operation, and then have to wait 2-3 months after the operation before I could even think about starting IVF but now we are so close to starting!!! YAY!

Our next step is when I get my next period, I go on the pill for a month and then I start priming the end of July, which is like a fake cycle and then I am good to go for the proper cycle in August and egg collection the start of September

I just feel relived we are one step closer to everything.  Just gotta keep praying it works now!

Thursday, June 9, 2016

My IVF Journey - Update

After our cycle in March didnt work out we took a break.  My husband decided to randomly contact IVF Spain for a chat about things.  They spoke with him for 40 minutes over the phone about us and our health and as we were in Spain in May for our holidays we decided to book a consultation with them.  Our consultation for our last cycle which failed was 40 minutes.  This consultation in Spain lasted 5 hours.  From the second we walked into the clinic we were both so impressed.

The clinic was so modern, clean, airy and relaxing.  Once we sat down the receptionist came over to us for paper to fill out but also an itineary for the day showing us who we would meet etc.  My husband gave a sample and after that we met our doctor. 

What I like about her is she is very straight.  She isnt telling us what she thinks we want to hear.  She is being very straight forward, blunt at times even, which is what we need to hear.  We need honesty.

While we chatted to her there was a knock on the door and my husbands results came in.  She then went into great detail for about an hour and a half explaining what our cycle would be like and how it would work, hand drawn diagrams, the works.  At no point did either of us feel rushed.  She took her time and explained everything to us.  Any questions we had she answered.

I also had an internal done.  This would never happen at home.  An appointment would be made and you would be waiting for weeks for it to come but no, it happened then and there and she saw the fibroid our last clinic saw and she said it could be nothing, but it also could be the reason why the last cycle didnt work.  I told her the last clinic had arranged an MRI for me which would happen once I got home and I said I would send out the results to her.  We had blood tests which we got the results while there too.

Currently now I am waiting for the MRI results, praying the fibroid isnt causing any issue and can stay where it is.  My old clinic have had the MRI report for nearly 2 weeks and have yet to call me about the results.  IVF Spain have had the results for 2 days and they will contact me before Satruday (another 2 days away) with the results.

So far the professionalism with IVF Spain and my last clinic is so different.  My advice to anyone going through IVF or thinking about it is to go with your gut.  If you dont feel good with your doctor that you are with, change.  If you have questions, ask.  I was very naive and just thought they knew best so just sat back and agreed with whatever they suggested.  Now after going through it all Im questioning them every step of the way.

Saying The Wrong Thing

Unfortuantely its very difficult for people to actually understand IVF, physically and emotionally. 

I met a friend today and she asked how it was going.  Unfortunately me and this friend aren't that close anymore, so I have decided not to tell her when we are starting IVF or anything but thats a whole other story.  Anyway, she asked how things were going and I said we were taking a break until after the summer was finished , so we may look again into starting around September or October.  She asked if we have looked into other options, which I assumed she meant clinics, as our first round didnt work out and we werent happy.  So I said we kinda were but would look into it more in October.

She meant adoption.

Ive nothing against adoption at all.  But after a failed round of IVF and knowing we are gonna start it again, I need to hear positivity, not someone suggesting, whether she meant to or not, that its not gonna work out so look at adoption.

It kinda took me off guard, so I was like, well thats ages away, I want to see how the next few cycles go first.  Plus adoption can cost a lot of money and after the IVF I dont even know if we could afford it.  But I said, we will enjoy the summer and go from there.

She then said it was a good idea to have a break from IVF as it was good for our marriage as she has heard of a lot of couples who break up when IVF doesnt work out.

So not only will IVF not work, and I need to look into adoption, my marriage could break up!!!

I know she means well in her own way, but for me I need positivity.  I  need to hear, it will work out, this is your time, its gonna work out, keep positive, you will make an amazing parent.

The Waiting Game

When you are going through IVF, you enter the waiting game!

You wait for your consultation appointment, you wait for bloodtests, blood test results, you want to do tests that can only be done on a certain cycle day, you wait for those results, you wait to be told "ok, now your cycle can start", you wait for egg collection, you wait for transfer, and worst of all you have the two week wait to see if it works!

For me, we are ready to start our next cycle.  More than ready, but we are currently waiting results of an MRI to see if a fibroid needs to be removed.  Hopefully not as it would mean we would need to wait a lot longer for  the cycle to start

You need patience of a saint!!

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Family, Friends and IVF

When we decided to go ahead with IVF, we discussed between the two of us who we would tell.  It was something so daunting ahead of us, but also something so personal.  I told my Mum who's reply was "don't be worrying about it, it will happen" but my reply was "no, it's actually not gonna happen for us naturally, the doctors have said that to us".  But she was convinced it would all work out.   I told my siblings too, as well as some friends, maybe 2 or 3.

It's a funny situation to be in, because you want to talk to people about it, but either they dont understand, so the conversation doesn't last past a couple of minutes before its changed, or for a certain friend in particular, she would seldom ask me about it.  Weeks would go by, and I would get a text out of the blue, around 10pm, just asking me a random question about the process, which was obvious that she was talking about me to someone at that time and couldnt answer the question so just texted me randomly.  It meant though that through the process I started to close up on her and told her very very little.  She would never ask how I was, or how I felt, or how it was going.  But she said she found it difficult to say, in case I didnt want to talk about it.  I said to her, just a "hi, how are you, how are things going" would be perfect.  I didnt find it that difficult, yet she did. 

The hardest part was the Two Week Wait (TWW) and this 1 girl in particular didnt try contact me at all over the 2 weeks, to wish me luck, to say she was thinking about me, nothing.  So not only was I anxious over the TWW but then knowing she wasnt getting in touch made it all so much worse.  And this is a friend that decided she wanted to get pregnant and after month 1 I met her and she was worried it would never happen and we had a big huge chat about it and the following month she got pregnant.  And from week 4 up to week 42, I did a count down with her, every Tuesday counting down the days.  It hurt.

Now, hopefully starting a 2nd cycle over the coming months, I want to talk about it again, I wanna chat to people about how Im feeling, but I also dont want to be disapponted with the lack of response or lack of care.  My family are great as are his, but past that Im not too sure.  Then, saying that, I go through thoughts thinking - Is this something I should say on snapchat, something I should discuss as a lot of women go through this privately, so to get the topic out there, or even on You Tube, just so other people that are in my position out there, dont feel like they are alone either.

Either way, I will find a problem with thatever happens :)  Thats life I guess

J xox

Where things went wrong

There are a few reasons why we have decided to move clinics.  When we met our first clinic originally, it was our first time doing anything like this.  We didnt know the questions to ask, we didnt know anything to be honest.  We just went in, listened, nodded and left.  It was only a few days later that we would think, hmm, why are they doing this, why did they not explain this more etc.  But me being me, I trust everything and anything that is said to me.  Yup Ive learned from this.

They said I would be on the nasal spray for a few weeks, and then start the injections.  A friend of mine has done IVF before and she asked why they put me on the long protocol.... The long WHAT??  I had no idea!!!

After I had an internal scan they saw a "small fibroid" on the left hand side but couldnt tell if it was growing from my ovary or from the wall.  So after another internal and external they said it was growing from the wall, it wouldnt interfer with pregnancy and they would leave it where it as as Ive had surger on my stomach before (more on this later)

They put me on 200mls of gonal f to kick the follicles into action and get the eggs growing.  Everything was less than I expected.  They could see 6 follicles and the rest were very small.  After reading forums, some peoples meds were changed through their cycle but this was never mentioned to me.

Egg collection time and my husband said I was gone for about 10-15 minutes.  When I woke up they said they collected 7 eggs.  I was delighted.  I was expecting 4 as my numbers were so low.  The embrologist called the following day to say 6 had fertilised, and 2 days later on day 3 I was told 2 were doing well and 2 were a little slower but going in the right direction.  Finally on day 5 the best one was transfered.  I went onto a forum to fill in the girls and the questions started " so what grade were they, were they a 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5".   Emmmmmm....... I dunno........?

Unfortunately this cycle didnt work so we went back to the clinic.  We felt like there were a few things that could be changed but I really wanted them to say something to me to make me feel impressed by them, something that would change how we both felt and had trust to put back into them again. 

Firstly the doctor said the cycle went great, and they were delighted with 7 eggs collected.  (In the mean time, my husband had already contact an IVF clinic in spain and they said for their clinic, 7 eggs is very low, they expect at least 12).  I said to the doctor I expected double digits and could the gonal f be increased and she said hmmmm, well, its already at a decent amount, and 7 eggs is really good so we would leave it as it was.  Ok, so Ive had a failed IVF cycle and nothing is going to be changed for the next one??

Next she said, your embryos were of a poor quality.  They were graded a 3.  This was never mentioend to us in the whole process until now.  I felt like the clinic held information like this back from us to make us think the whole process was going perfectly and we had a really good shot at it working.

Next... and my husband said if they used this as an excuse he would be so mad... next they said, well you do have a large fibroid that could have caused an issue so we need to look into that further.  Firstly WHAT!! LARGE?? and secondly, why couldnt all of these tests have been done first, before the first cycle!!  The fibroid measured 6cm!  thats the size of a small orange!!!!!!!  The doctor said my egg collection was difficult as the fibroid was in the way and it could also have effected implantation.  We were both so angry.  Its like this first cycle was set up to fail from the beginning due to them not looking at everything from the start.  Its like they said, ok, we will do 60% of the tests and just give it a bash, see if it works, and if it doesnt, we can do more tests and see what happens.

Felt so disheartened by them, but we have learned so many lessons from them!

Thanks for reading
J xox

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

My journey

I've been married to my wonderful husband for 2 years.  Once we got  married we thought... hmm... should be start trying... half scared, half excited!  So we tried, and hoped, and over thought every twinge and feeling every month.  My husband can't understand how I cant tell a period cramp versus any other type of cramp!!

After about 6 months we decided to try ovulation kits but after a couple of months, we stopped, it took the fun out of it all, which was pointless!!!

After a year, still nothing happened.  We popped to see my GP where we heard the usual "I'm sure it's nothing but I'll order some blood tests and refer you to a fertility clinic, no harm".  Hearing all that was scary but it felt good finally starting the process, not really knowing how much of a process was ahead of us.

We met our clinic and our consultation lasted 40 minutes.  I wasnt sure if this was normal or not.  We filled the doctor in with our medical history and she arranged an internal and external ultrasound for me and a semen analysis for himself.  Some of my tests could only be done on a specific day, eg the HSG test, which I couldnt get done on the day I needed to, which meant it was pushed back a month.  Everything seemed to drag and it felt like we would never start.

Finally, around November I was, after our first consultation was in August, we met our doctor.  They said my numbers, hormone wise and egg reserve wise, everything was basically "ok".  Not good. not bad, but just ok.  My husband had a low sperm count.  So they arranged him to have another analysis which was still low.  They recommeded ICSI for us.  This is when they inject each egg with 1 sperm, once the egg is collected.  We thought - ok, we know what we need to do to have our baby!

I started a nasal spray which put my ovarys asleep.  I then went for a scan to make sure it worked and everything was the way it was supposed to be, and once I got the all clear, I started my injections. 

The injections were grand.  Not too bad at all.  My husband made sure he was there for each injection for support.  I tried to get him to inject me, so he felt like he had a job to do and didnt feel left out, but he wasn't a fan of it, which I dont blame him for! hahaha

So I went in for a scan to see how the follicles were growing, and all along I thought I would have at least double digits.  I had in my head 12.  I had thought of every scenario and a low number of eggs/follicles was the 1 thing I hadnt thought of.  Throughout the scans, I only had 6 ok sized follicles that were growing. 

When I went in for egg collection, they managed to get 7, which I was delighted about, as Ive read online and in different forums where someone might have 10 follicles but 8 eggs were collected.  All my 7 eggs were mature and 6 fertilised.  After a couple of days I had 4 embryos as 2 had stopped growing and by day 5 I had one that was nearly a blastocyst which they put back in.  (I know Im flying along with all of this so if you  have any questions about any stage of the whole process please ask away)

The next part, the dreaded two week wait, was the hardest part of the whole process. I prayed it worked.  Every twinge I hoped was the embryo holding on tight, I prayed and hoped it was all working out and sticking and I spoke to it every day and every night.  I was due a bloodtest 12 days after transfer and the evening of day 11 I started to bleed.  I was devastated.  I still went in for the bloodtest but it came back negative.

At the moment we are switching clinics before we start everything all over again!

Thanks for reading
J xox


Hi and welcome to my blog!

I'm a 30-something girl who is finding her way through the whole process of IVF.  I'll write in more detail soon of the journey my husband and I have faced so far.  At the moment, we have had 1 failed ICSI attempt and we are hoping to try again later on in the year.

For those of you reading this, you are either in the process of fertility treatment, or its something you are considering, which is a scary first step.  I am hoping through this blog, we can start our own community, sharing our stories and being a support for eachother, as it is a tough process to go through.  There are highs and there are absolute lows and I find it very difficult to talk to those about it who haven't been through it before.

Anyway, thats enough about me for now!  I'll fill you in more tomorrow.

Take care
J xox